|
|
Post by Hollie Clarke on Oct 17, 2010 18:02:11 GMT -5
There were no words to describe how Hollie felt right now. She'd been cooped up in her room for a couple of days, she hadn't eaten anything, or particularly drank anything, she'd just curled up in a ball in the corner of her bed, her head buried in her knees - not that it made any difference, she couldn't see anything.
R4's original intention had been to kill the crew, but in failing, and letting them live, they'd actually done more damage to Hollie than they ever could have imagined. To have given her sight, and then her memories, and to have allowed her to have those moments with Ollie, only to pull everything away from her again was horrible. She couldn't even begin to describe how much she ached inside. It hurt so much knowing now what she was missing out in the world without being able to see.
She wished she'd never seen at all. |
|
|
|
Post by somerandomhippie2 on Oct 17, 2010 18:15:11 GMT -5
Ollie was as worried as a man could get. After their experience in the dream simulator, he hadn't seen nor heard from Hollie in almost half a week. Where could she be? Asking around, it seemed he wasn't the only one who hadn't caught a glance of her. It was antagonizing-- was she gone? She couldn't be. With the only logical place left being her room, he'd packed up his bag with a few things and walked over.
He paused, and breathed for a moment before lightly tapping on her door. He couldn't hear the customary buzz of music, nor anything else, for that matter. He frowned. She wasn't usually this quiet. "Hollie?" he called softly through the crack in the door. "Hollie, it's Ollie. Can I come in?" He bit his lip. He could only imagine what it must have been like for her. How could she have gone back to never seeing the world again? Well, she wasn't. Not if he had anything to say about it.
|
|
|
|
Post by Hollie Clarke on Oct 17, 2010 18:23:02 GMT -5
Having lost all sense of time, Hollie didn't really know how long she'd been hiding from the world. It was like she didn't want to live in it any more if she couldn't see it, but something deep down told her that she couldn't stop living, not altogether. For one thing, there was one person that she cared about more than anyone else who she knew she would hurt more than anything if she did something stupid. And he was calling at her door.
"Yes," she mumbled. She couldn't say no, not to Ollie.
|
|
|
|
Post by somerandomhippie2 on Oct 17, 2010 18:29:37 GMT -5
Ollie just heard the quiet 'yes' through the door. Quietly, he grabbed the knob, and opened the door softly. It was a little squeaky. He poked his head around, his face soft. Poor Hollie. She looked a mess-- teary, mussed, huddled up in her covers. His heart broke. She looked so... vulnerable. Not the brash, bright Hollie he was used to, but a timid little thing hiding away. He went and sat on the edge of her bed gently.
"It's me," he told her, brushing her hair away from her face gently. It was a little wet from the tears, and stuck to her cheeks. "How are you doing?" His hand cupped the side of her face, and he sighed. He almost felt like it was his fault. If only none of this had ever happened, if only they'd never spent that time together... No. He wouldn't have wanted to give that up for anything. Not her.
|
|
|
|
Post by Hollie Clarke on Oct 17, 2010 18:37:32 GMT -5
Hollie could only imagine what she looked... like.... That sentence running through her head almost set her off. She could imagine now, the expression on her face, how utterly distraught she was. And how worried Ollie must be, she could hear it in his voice, see his kind face in her mind wracked with concern.
She reached out to him with shaky hands, clutching at the sleeve of his shirt as he tried to comfort her somewhat with his touch. "Not well," she admitted, her voice hoarse. "I feel..." she choked on her own words, "like I'm... grieving." The last time she'd felt like this had been at her adopted parents funeral. She was mourning the loss of something she should have never had in the first place. Something that she wanted back now, desperately.
|
|
|
|
Post by somerandomhippie2 on Oct 17, 2010 18:49:26 GMT -5
Hollie tugged at his sleeve, and he instantly brought a hand over to cover hers. It broke him in two, to see her grief. It was her happy smile that lit up whichever room she was in, and now it was pitch black. In more ways than one. She managed to choke out a few words, and Ollie had to squeeze his eyes shut. He tugged her close, letting her fall against him and clutching her tightly. He tried not to cry.
"I'm sorry," he whispered, once he'd leveled his voice out. Now, it was flat and quiet, more mourning than comforting. There wasn't anything he could think of to say; he didn't know what to do. He'd never been through anything like this, he couldn't relate. But he wasn't about to give up. "I promise, I'll help. I'll do whatever I can. I won't leave you. We'll make it through." Or just adjust. He didn't know.
|
|
|
|
Post by Hollie Clarke on Oct 17, 2010 19:08:10 GMT -5
"It's not," she let out a small gasp as she tried to hold back a sob, "your fault." Her head touched his chest, and almost as soon as she made contact, her whole body shuddered, her face contorting in silent pain. This isn't fair. She didn't know what to do with herself, what she could do with herself, so she just lay still, her face smushed against his shirt, her hands limp, the tears flowing.
She couldn't believe that it was possible to cry this much. Surely there was no water left inside her by now.
It took her a little while to get to a point where she was calm enough to speak again. "I'm sorry," she apologised instead, "for this. I just..." she swallowed, "I miss... you. Seeing you. Seeing your face, and everything else. I want to so badly, I can't even..." her voice got caught in her throat, and her bottom lip wobbled. She couldn't cry any more, she didn't want to.
|
|
|
|
Post by somerandomhippie2 on Oct 17, 2010 21:39:26 GMT -5
Slowly, Ollie eased himself to lean against the wall, supporting Hollie's weight a little better. There. Now he could sit like this all day. Rubbing her back gently, he thought over what she had just said. "I don't think it's anyone's fault, really," he said quietly. "It's not like we can pin the blame and go get justice or whatever, I..." He shook his head. Damn morals, they made life so confusing. But worth it.
He sat there for a minute, letting her sob into his shirt. He wasn't sure he wanted to think about this anymore. The more and more he thought about it, the more confusing it became. He rested his cheek on her head with a sigh. Grey was a color that was hard to contend with. Was it actually a color, or a combination of the absences of colors, or was it in between...? Black and white, hard science, he could deal with easily. This was the stuff that made his heart break.
He never thought those three words could make his heart swell so much. I miss you. At one end, hearing her say that made him feel like he mattered to her, which was the most amazing feeling ever. But... I'm right here. He tilted her chin up, so he could look into her face. "What are you apologizing for?" he asked intensely. "You're sorry that all you want is a chance to have what the rest of us take for granted? I'd give it up gladly, but I can't, so I'll try everything else." He tucked her back under his chin. He didn't exactly want her to notice the fact that his control was a little less than he would like. He stroked her hair gently, trying not to let himself shake. He felt horrible.
|
|
|
|
Post by Hollie Clarke on Oct 18, 2010 12:32:40 GMT -5
Him tilting her chin up so that her face met his just emphasised all the emotions that Hollie was feeling. When he did things like that, she wanted to be able to look back at him, see how he was feeling. She could feel and hear that he was upset too, in pain for her, but she wanted to be able to see it. It was infuriating, and upsetting. She'd kept swinging between those two emotions while cooped up in her room, one minute she was as angry as a bear rallying for a fight, and the next, she'd dissolve into a weeping mess.
He was right, of course. She didn't argue with him. Wrapping her arms around him tightly, she felt secure in his arms, even if he felt tense. "I meant for getting your shirt wet," she said quietly, sniffling. The sentence was probably the most light-hearted one she'd managed in days.
Not pulling away, instead just shifting slightly, she said, "what do you mean by everything else?"
|
|
|
|
Post by somerandomhippie2 on Oct 18, 2010 20:36:52 GMT -5
Hollie shifted slightly, tightening her grip on him, and Ollie slumped slightly. He was getting worked up, he could tell now. He needed to relax, and stop getting angry about things he could do nothing about. He knew he'd explode if he got rallied enough. So, instead, he breathed in the scent of her hair, burying his hands in the golden mess comfortingly. He slowed his breathing. Much better.
Her next sentence took him by surprise, and he couldn't help but laugh a little. "It seems I'm getting a little melodramatic," he chuckled. "And don't worry about the shirt, it needed a wash anyways." The smile ghosted on his face, leaving him feeling a lot better than before. Even if she was going through a life crisis, Hollie was still Hollie. He couldn't think of anyone else he'd like to be holding.
Ollie shifted uncomfortably. "Well..." he started, moving back and forth. He was probably prying a little, but he wanted to help. He wanted her to be able to see again, if that's what she wanted. "I did a little searching, and I found some stuff. That is, if you want to look at it. You don't have to, and it's kinda rough, but..." He watched her carefully.
|
|
|
|
Post by Hollie Clarke on Oct 19, 2010 8:42:19 GMT -5
"I'm glad to be of service," Hollie said with the smallest of smiles, her eyes still leaking tears. Despite everything, she knew she was still in there somewhere, all that stuff she'd done in order to cope with her emotional problems, she couldn't let them come tumbling down over one thing. There wasn't really any sense falling apart over something beyond her control. It still hurt, so very much, but at least she was beginning to feel a little calmer. And it was all because of Ollie, him holding her. She was growing to love everything about him. He was her light in the darkness. Quite literally sometimes.
A slight frown crossed her features for a moment - obviously she couldn't look at them. But she was interested, now more than ever. She'd never been particularly bothered about being blind before, but R4 had inadvertantly showed her everything she was missing, and if she had the chance to see everything again, to see Ollie's face, then she'd take it. "What sort of stuff?" she asked, her tears drying up, "are you talking about surgery or...?"
|
|
|
|
Post by somerandomhippie2 on Oct 19, 2010 19:14:59 GMT -5
Hollie attempted a little quip, and Ollie couldn't hold in a little laugh. Whether it was in humor or relief, he didn't know. He was starting to rely on Hollie, for lighting up his day when everything was looking dark and boring. She always knew how to make him smile, and seeing her smile when he prodded back made him feel wonderful. Good thing they couldn't help but be happy around one another. A thought occurred to him, and he sat back, considering it. Wow. I think I'm starting to fall in love with her.
Ollie sat up a little straighter, shuffling Hollie so she could lean comfortably. "Well, I'm not medical expert, obviously," he pointed out. "I did a little digging, but you'd have to talk to one of the doctors milling around. That is, if you want to consider that," he added hurriedly. He didn't quite know her mind yet, and he didn't want to nudge her until he had a good idea. Just in case. "Still, I have got some stuff..."
He stretched as far as he could, trying not to lean, and snagged his bag off the floor. Plopping it beside him, he dug through, taking stuff out. Water bottle, half of a lightsaber, screwdrivers, chess set, the other half of the lightsaber, a cookie... "I should probably clean this out," he muttered. He picked up the cookie, inspected it for a moment, then took a bite. "Still good," he remarked, holding it out. "Want some?"
|
|
|
|
Post by Hollie Clarke on Oct 20, 2010 7:40:11 GMT -5
Hollie nodded slowly. "Darcy is supposed to be an neurologist," she said, "she'd probably be the person to talk to about it." She moved so that she was leaning her cheek against his shoulder, thinking about it. "If she says it's possible, then..." she let out a breath, "I don't know what the risks would be, what they would have to do, but I'd want to try. I want to be able to walk around without having to worry about bumping into walls, or tripping over my own feet, if nothing else. I want to see the ocean again," she said sadly, "it was so beautiful. Seeing that, being there with you... it was the best moment of my life."
She felt him move, leaning for something. The sound of his bag being deposited on the bed emitted a clattering of noises. "Sounds like it," she said, "what do you have in there?" The smell of the cookie made her stomach grumble, and she remembered that she hadn't eaten anything in days. She broke part of the cookie off, and munched on it. "I should probably venture out and get some real food," she mused. Maybe not when she looked like such a mess.
|
|
|
|
Post by somerandomhippie2 on Oct 20, 2010 17:00:03 GMT -5
Ollie nodded, putting a hand on her shoulder. "We have a bunch of bang-on doctors here, I'm sure someone would know something." He listened for a moment, then gently rested his head on hers. "Me too," he agreed softly. I love being with you, too. "Just... Be careful, OK? I don't... I want you to be okay." He shifted his shoulders a little. "I'm sure they'll do a good job, and I want you have that, but it's still medical procedures." He shrugged. "It's probably not all that bad. I'm a worry-wart."
He chuckled. "Some little stuff I was fiddling with. I should have the lightsaber working soon, I just have to put it together and test it. I have a feeling it'll fry something first time I turn it on." Raising a brow, he asked, "What, have you been eating that bio-sysntheser stuff? No one can survive off that. Your system is probably screaming out in agony for it to stop or something." He dug through, and found a granola bar in the bottom. "Eat," he told her, pressing the food into her hands. The cookie, however, he kept for himself.
|
|
|
|
Post by Hollie Clarke on Oct 20, 2010 17:23:05 GMT -5
Hollie nodded, linking her hand with the one he'd placed on her shoulder, "I know, I'll start asking around when I don't look and feel like such a mess." Maybe it was a blessing that she couldn't see how bad she looked right now. "I will," she promised, nuzzling his shoulder slightly with her head, "I won't do anything until I'm sure and until I've talked to you." She'd have to know that he was okay with it before she went through with anything. He was becoming a part of her, and in the past she would have shyed away from it, keeping him at arms length, but Ollie had strolled into her life with a giant smile on his face, and she didn't want him to go anywhere.
"A lightsaber?" she repeated with a slight smirk on her face, "warn me before you test it, I'll need chance to get the rest of the crew and myself off the ship, just incase it explodes and takes everything with it." Clearing her throat, she took the granola bar, not admitting that she hadn't actually been eating anything.
Hollie chewed on it quietly, thinking to herself. She knew she and Ollie had grown close, in fact, she'd reached the point where she wasn't sure what she'd do with herself if he was ever gone. She needed him around to make her laugh, and she actually liked the way he was taking care of her now, he was so gentle, so... loving.
She breathed. She'd already thought that she loved everything about him, so by extension that meant, actually... she loved him.
Strange what you realised at times like these.
|
|
